


How It Begins

by jaeminsrenjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Feelings, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, bracelet angst, renjun-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-11 23:16:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18434147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeminsrenjun/pseuds/jaeminsrenjun
Summary: Renjun is scared, but above all, he is selfish.





	How It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> a sequel to [How It Ends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15047231), though this can also be read as a standalone.

It begins, like this – with Renjun first noticing the glaring absence of the thin band of metal around Jaemin’s wrist. There’s no warning – one day, Renjun still sees it catch the last ray of light from the sun as Jaemin walks past – and the next day, it disappears without a trace. Jaemin is slouched on the sofa, watching TV, but his wrist is bare, and Renjun is so used to seeing the silver band encircling it that it’s the lack of the bracelet that catches Renjun’s attention.

When Renjun makes eye contact with Jaemin, he looks away. Not a word from Jaemin about why, but then again, Renjun remembers that Jaemin doesn’t owe him an explanation.

Not after the way Renjun treated him. 

Renjun sneaks another glance at Jaemin and sees him with his eyes trained on the TV, face impassive, stiff even. The difference between how he’d usually hold Renjun’s gaze and smile back at him and how he treats him now is glaringly, painfully obvious. In place of wide smiles and crescent eyes are curt nods and pressed lips, and Renjun hates it.

He knows that Jaemin is holding himself back, trying to keep in whatever it is that he so desperately doesn’t want Renjun to find out. Jaemin can put on a mask when he needs to but Renjun knows him well enough to sense that there’s something bubbling violently under the surface.

The past few days, Renjun has found himself missing Jaemin’s little glances, soft smiles, and gentle touches that were meant for him and him alone. At first, the longing feels like a patched-up wound, uncomfortable but not painful, and it’s subtle enough that Renjun can forget that it’s there if he doesn’t think about it.

He lets himself pretend that he doesn’t care.

But seeing Jaemin without the bracelet today feels like someone has ripped off the stupid patch and now he’s hurting for real – a visceral, throbbing pain that no amount of pretending can will away. Renjun knows that he only has himself to blame, because if he’d openly reciprocated Jaemin’s all-too-obvious crush on him then maybe everything would be okay right now. But he was a coward, taking off the bracelet first because he was afraid of what it potentially meant. A bastard – yes, that’s what he is – who once held Jaemin’s heart in his hands and cruelly crushed it like it meant nothing.

To his credit, Renjun does a pretty good job of hiding his emotions for the rest of the day, laughing along to Mark’s jokes and teasing Jisung just as usual. But at night, lying in bed with nothing but his thoughts for company, he can’t escape the ghosts anymore.

 _I wanted this, didn’t I?_ Renjun chokes out a laugh, and it rips through his throat, ugly and twisted, coming from a place within him that he didn’t even know existed. He succumbs to the poisonous thoughts swirling around in his brain and attacking every crevice.

Did Jaemin really think that Renjun didn’t have feelings for him? Did he not notice the times when Renjun would sneak a look over at Jaemin only to glance away immediately, heart hammering in his chest? Did he not realise that all Renjun’s been doing, putting on a front and pushing him away, is precisely because he feels _so much_ for Jaemin that it scares him to death?

Renjun knows that he’s selfish, very much so. How can he ever dare putting everything he’s worked for, everything _they_ have worked for, at risk? Being an idol is all he’s ever dreamed about, and he won’t throw everything away because of a stupid crush.

And eventually, he convinces himself that this is his only option, this is what he has to do. Exhausted, he drifts off to sleep, where his dreams are his only respite.

 

 

 

Even the brightest things eventually lose their shine.

He’s not sure why they’re talking about the bracelets again, but Jaemin brings it up one day, when the awkward tension between them has simmered into something just mildly uncomfortable.

“You don’t have to, y’know,” Renjun says, brows knitted in concern as he puts a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder. “You don’t have to pretend like the bracelets mean anything.”

“What do you mean ‘pretend’?” Jaemin whispers, voice so raw with hurt that Renjun can’t bear to look him in the eyes. Can’t bear to face him, so he steps to the side, eyes trained on the dark wooden floor.

“I know they were just a whim on your part,” Renjun says quietly.

“They weren’t! I meant everything I said, and everything I did,” Jaemin tells him, voice quivering. Renjun doesn’t have to look to know that he’s holding back tears.

“Well, I didn’t think that they meant anything,” Renjun answers, and the way Jaemin completely crumples breaks his heart in a million pieces and he wishes more than anything that he could take back what he said, that he could reword it better, that he could tell him _I love you too but I don’t think we’re ready for it._

Instead, Renjun simply stands still.

“I see. I’m sorry.” Jaemin’s voice is shaky; Renjun can’t help but notice the way his lips tremble with every syllable, as if it physically pains him to speak. The first tear rolls down Jaemin’s cheek and that’s it, Renjun’s heart is up in flames and burning to ashes, and everything inside him feels hot hot _hot,_ and he thinks he would rather die than watch Jaemin cry because of him.

Jaemin’s eyes are stormy, the sheer amount of emotion in them overwhelming even Renjun, who glances away. Then he swallows – Renjun’s eyes are trained on his Adam’s apple, bobbing up and down – and closes his eyes. His lashes cast hazy shadows on his cheeks, but when he finally opens them, the storm is no more.

The sky is clear again.

“Goodbye, Injun-ah.”

There’s a finality in his words that douses the flames, and all that’s left of Renjun’s heart is a pile of soot – charred and dead. Jaemin turns to leave and Renjun knows he should open his mouth _now,_ call out to him before he disappears, say something, _anything_ –

But the words never come. Jaemin walks away, and Renjun knows that he’ll never come back.

 

 

 

It begins, like this – with Renjun telling himself that he doesn’t love Jaemin, while his heart bleeds a little more with each lie.

**Author's Note:**

> ... i tried?
> 
> this has been sitting in my drafts for almost half a year and i had no intention to finish this but i picked it up again recently. it's rly short and not that great but i hope you like this ;; 
> 
> i'm on twitter @jaemrenle <3 thank you for stopping by <3


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